Monday, May 26, 2008

Little Death Wardens

A few days shy of one month ago, I had planned on documenting a fascinating article concerning the future of cybernetic implants and my goals of creating a extra-human species to transcend the commoners that take up what many would call "Meatspace." Unfortunately, a vile creature of horrible repute took siege and held fort upon my desk and prevented me from committing to my plans.

I hate spiders. Some people may fear snakes, and others fear public restrooms, and an even greater number of people fear quirky, comedic musicians. Almost not unlike Chuck Norris, I have but one fear. I will gladly tackle chain-saw wielding clowns with blood-stained hockey masks, disembodied alien-zombies that are also on fire, and even soccer-mom-esque female presidential candidates who lie and low blow. These things are weak, petty examples of the Universe's true evil; the arachnid.

I understand that not all arachnids are spiders, but as far as the topic is concerned, and to allow for much easier identifying in a crisis, anything with eight fucking legs is considered a terrorist and will need to be escorted off my plane. Ever since spring has granted us warmer weather, these malevolent scourge-crawlers unearthed themselves once again from their dank, peccant dwellings. They take refuge upon my otherwise laboratory-style ceilings awaiting a small creature, such as a squirrel or an elk, to pass by so that they may feed. It is quite difficult to free an elk from the clutches of a spider with the help of only a Swiffer mop. You may derive from this imagery that my habitat has a slight infestation, but I promise you that is far from the truth. I've developed a weapon against them. While it's effectiveness is only temporary, it is also quick. Tilex Mold and Mildew is essentially a complete system of solutions for dealing with both shower scum and spiders, and leaves a fresh lime scent.

One may wonder what makes spiders the Universal symbol for evil. I suggest that they were the foul creatures that caused the previous Universe to end, and that has yet to satisfy their thirst for destruction. This is merely speculation; another theory, known as Charlotte's Theory, suggest that spiders are trying to manipulate farm animals to hunt down humans and extract their bodily fluids. A side note of this theory also explains that spiders can reproduce hundreds of thousands of offspring without mating. How can a tiny creature produce yards upon yards of a nearly indestructible material, and why does it choose to weave it into satanical patterns? Obviously it is every spider's goal to summon firey demons from the black nether to rip the very fabric of space out from under us. Or they just really like the taste of elk meat.